The Fathers Movement is about love, that's all.

This piece by our friend Doug Mead deserves repeating.

Column sparks ire of many

IMAGINE A little girl growing up without her dad. She misses him. She wonders why he doesn't come by anymore. There is a longing in her heart that won't go away. She cries herself to sleep at night.

Imagine the dad, a good and loving dad, wanting to see his daughter grow up. But he can't, for various reasons. There is a longing in his heart that won't go away. He cries himself to sleep at night.


Imagine the mom, who is angry and bitter at the dad for whatever reason and uses the court system to keep him away. Maybe he was an abusive husband once, or he cheated on her while they were married. Maybe she's just angry at the world and takes it out on her daughter's father.

The mom uses their daughter as a pawn. Not only does dad lose out, but so does the daughter. She needs him. It isn't fair.

Two weeks ago, I wrote a fictitious letter (based on real-life situations) from a little girl writing her dad, asking him to come back into her life. The response from readers was overwhelming, from men and women alike. Some shared similar situations to the composite letter, but mostly I heard from people telling me I was full of ... you know. They insisted that either the ex-spouse and/or the courts are responsible for keeping them from their children.

The men who responded say they want to be a part of their children's lives but face obstacles. Surprisingly, I heard from many women who disagreed with the column, mostly partners and relatives who have seen devastation from divorce up close.

I heard from dads who say they sold their houses to pay for legal costs. One dad said he has spent more than $100,000 in attorney fees trying to see his kids. Several dads said they had to fight false accusations of abuse in court.

One dad shared a letter he'd like to send to his daughter, now a teenager, if only her mother would let her read it.

Here's an excerpt:

Dear Daughter:

I am writing to you today because I saw you waiting for the bus after school. I really did want to stop and say hello, just to hear your voice, but I know you would have to tell your mother about it. Remember, when she yells at you for talking to me, she is only mad at me.

The court said that I would be able to see you every other weekend, but I understand how things just get in the way.

I got the 30 boxes of Girl Scout cookies I ordered from you, thank your mother for delivering them to me, and tell her the rain didn't mess them up all that much.

I have followed your every life event, sweet daughter of mine.

I have written you several letters a week since the divorce but only wish I knew you received them, I hope you do. I will never abandon you, no court on this earth could accomplish that which your mother has achieved by telling you lies about me. I only wish the courts would enforce their own orders.

I never left you, that is one reason I live so close to you. I was unable to handle your mother's new love relationship.

I am just putting the few extra dollars I have left over into a bank account for your use when you turn of age. I am saving so much money by riding a bike and actually love the exercise I get.

I wish I could have been there at those times the last couple of years when you needed me. I wish I could have been there for your school play, the awards you received for your science project. I wish I could have been there when your mother forgot you were at school and you had to walk home in the rain.

My door is open to you no matter how long it takes or how long it seems, you're forever welcome in my life.

Love, Dad

In my 11 years as a single parent, I've met mostly dedicated single parents.

I've also met my share of moms and dads who didn't participate in their children's lives, and I couldn't even be friends with them. I've heard countless stories of outright abandonment, but also heartfelt stories such as the letter above. When one parent puts up visitation obstacles out of spite, it only hurts the kids.

In the end, it is the children who suffer. The social cost is immeasurable. As parents, we choose to make sacrifices for our kids. Any men who are being unfairly kept from their children deserve medals for persevering.

If you're a single parent, I urge you not to use your child as a pawn. That doesn't mean you stop protecting them or forgetting past hurts. It means forgiving and moving on. It means negotiating and communicating with someone with whom you may not want to communicate. Every day.

It's for your kids.

April 3, 2005

Doug Mead has been a single parent for 11 years. He and his teenage son live in the East Bay. You can e-mail him at dmead@angnewspapers.com.

Tellin' it like it is.

26 April 2005

Gender Equality Lacking in Child Custody

I'd like to comment on Feminism is Simply Equality by Maggie Downing,
published April 12, 2005.

Feminism used to stand for equality. In today's world it stands for
domination.

Just look at the child custody issue. Even in California, where joint
physical custody has been law for 25 years, 70 percent of all cases end
with the mother getting sole custody.

When mothers refuse visitation to good loving fathers the courts do
nothing. But if that same man goes through hard times financially, he can
be thrown in jail for missing his child support payments. Even when he
takes proof of his hardship to a judge, it is usually ignored. There is
absolutely no equality in family courts. Women dominate in that
arena. And it is the children who suffer.

Feminists will tell you that the courts are biased against women, that bad
men get custody all the time. I don't see that. And even when I suggest
that both genders join forces to make the courts be equitable, they
refuse. Why? Because they know they are in the best position right now.

Until feminists show me that they are willing to work towards equality in
family courts, I can't be proud to call myself a feminist anymore.

Sincerely,

Teri Stoddard
Fathers for Justice-US
Shared Parenting Works

The Tripod




Feminism is Simply Equality

By Maggie Downing

I don't hate men. I don't burn my bras. I don't spell it "womyn." I am a feminist, and I am sick and tired of the funny looks I get when I say that. Feminism carries a broad range of implications in our society, and even more so, I think, on this campus.

The basic idea at the root of feminism is that women are equal to men. Or as Cheris Kramarae and Paula Treichler so succinctly put it, it is "the radical notion that women are people." How is it that in the 21st century in a society that considers itself so far-advanced we are still struggling with this seemingly simple idea?

I grew up with three brothers and since I was the only girl, my mother's mantra to me as a child was "girls can do anything boys can do." I made the boys play house with me and I played with G.I. Joes with them, it was an even trade. And despite the arguments they have with me just to make me mad I know that those three young men also believe that mantra. I want to thank my mother for instilling that confidence in me; it is what gives me the courage to continue to fight for women's rights today.

As a member of the privileged class it is easy to say, "look how far we've come" and think of the feminist movement as something in the past, a battle that has been fought and won. But upon closer inspection, or any inspection really, it is clear that true equality is still an unattained and far-off goal.

The feminist movement has undergone many changes from women's suffrage starting in 1848 to a part of the Civil Rights movement in the sixties and seventies to its modern inception with a focus on individual empowerment.

There are two ways to think about the concept of gender equality. On one hand, the basic differences that divide our species into male and female will always create an undeniable opposition. This is a fact, but it is not necessarily a bad thing; after all, it is what allows the species to fulfill our natural desire to reproduce. Equality under the law and equal treatment are another issue altogether.

I find it frightening and maddening that in a country that considers itself the most "civilized" in the world we still allow half the population to be underpaid and mistreated based solely on its gender.

The root of this problem, as I see it, lies in the cultural concepts of gender that we force upon people from even before birth. Think of your first reaction when you see an infant, the first question asked is almost always "what is it?" because we cannot even talk about the child without knowing his or her sex, our language doesn't allow it (at least not without a high degree of awkwardness). When the baby is a girl the reaction is usually something along the lines of "what a pretty/sweet/beautiful little girl" whereas with boys the reaction tends to be "what a handsome little guy, he's going to grow up to be so big." So from the very start we force our culturally constructed gender roles onto innocent, unexpecting children.

This process continues throughout childhood, with messages sent through toys, language and expectations of behavior. The reinforcement of essential differences becomes an inescapable part of our subconscious thought process and hugely impacts the way we see the world, often without our even realizing it.

There is no inherent attraction in little girls towards all things pink, that is something they learn, in the way that all humans learn the unspoken rules of culture. So following that way of thinking, why should there be an inherent attraction to math and science for boys but not for girls? This simply is not logical. Any argument for this inherent difference ignores the silent cultural rules that guide and define our lives. Our culture is not something we can escape, but it is something we must understand when it is allowing gender to continue to divide our world in unnecessary and harmful ways.

There are innumerable arguments about women and the positive impact we can have on the world if gender equality could be achieved. I won't get into that here, I believe that all students at Trinity are intelligent enough to understand that we have created the differences that divide us, and so it is up to us to break them down. Only then can equality be achieved.

Equal people deserve equal pay for equal work. Equal people deserve equal amounts of time, money and effort put into research for diseases that affect a full half of the population. Equal people deserve the right to make decisions about their own bodies. Equal people are equally qualified to work the same jobs, think the same thoughts, raise the same children, and occupy the same spaces.

The war isn't over yet, and I, for one, won't give up.

The Tripod

Can't they treat boys the same as girls?

Well, you all know I'm gonna pitch a fit about this one.

Pitch, pitch pitch!!!

******************************************
Center for Gender Equity makes some more equal than others

Phillip Matier, Andrew Ross

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

UCSF's Center for Gender Equity hosts its annual "Take Our Daughters
and Sons to Work Day" on Thursday -- but judging from the list of
activities being offered, the gender equity program is anything but equal.

For example, the 9- and 10-year-old daughters are being invited to
participate in 17 hands-on activities such as working with
microscopes, slicing brains, doing skull comparisons, seeing what goes
on in the operating room, playing surgeon, dentist or nurse for a day,
and visiting the intensive care unit nursery, where they can set up
blood pressure cuffs and operate the monitors.

They can learn about earthquake and disaster preparedness, how to use
a fire extinguisher, how to operate several types of equipment -- even
fire a laser.

And what do the boys get to do?

Learn about "gender equity in fun, creative ways using media, role
playing and group games" -- after which, the boys can get a bit of
time in with a microscope or learn how the heart works.

"It's ridiculous," says one UCSF doc, who asked not to be named for
fear of retaliation from the university. "I have no problem with the
Center for Gender Equity, but just make it equitable."

Longtime center director Amy Levine, however, tells us the program
isn't intended to give boys and girls the same learning opportunities
-- nor, she says, is it a career day.

"It's about dealing with effects of sexism on both boys and girls and
how it can damage them," she said.

Hence, while the boys undergo gender sensitivity training, the girls
focus on their capabilities -- be it handling a scalpel or microscope.

UCSF tried mixing the boys with the girls a few years back, but Levine
says it just didn't work out.

"It mirrored the same sexism that occurs in the classroom daily," she
said, "where boys raise their hands more often, demand more attention
and have discipline problems."

So now the boys have their own gender sensitivity program, where "they
learn about violence prevention and how to be allies to the girls and
women in their lives," Levine said.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/04/27/BAG21CG0L01.DTL

America's parents speak out

"When I went to court, I was completely ignored. The judge did not acknowledge my presence at all...I had no problem with what my ex said...we filled them out and filed them together.

But the judge, later on, on his own, changed things in the final decision that my ex and I did not know about till we got the papers in the mail.

I am now...mournfully missing my kids, wishing everyday that I could just give them a hug and hold them for five minutes...just so I could tell them how much I love them."

KC, mother, USA - Shared Parenting Works

"If someone were to walk up to me and kick me square in the groin for
absolutely no good reason, it would be nothing compared to the pain, suffering and humiliation that I and my children have suffered at the hands of the divorce industry. "

JB, father, USA - Fathers4Justice U.S.

And the games shall begin.....

Welcome to Feminist4Fathers!

The time has come for all good women to stand up for all good men, in the BEST interest of all children.

I'll be back.......

Teri