We're not "freaks, kooks, sociopaths, abusers and criminals"

I asked the Cape Town father, perched on the Provincial Administration Building on Christmas Day in the photo above, about missing his children. I wanted to know what drives a man to risk his life, limb and liberty in this type of public demonstration. "It is a wave of incredible pain that gets me," he answered, "I cannot concentrate on work, and sometimes, especially when I have designed something or made something new, I will just cry. I long for the children."

Over the last three years I've heard similar sentiments from hundreds of other loving parents; fathers, and mothers, separated from their children by vindictive ex-partners, biased or overworked family court judges, corruption and outdated laws. A few of these parents, like this father in South Africa, have chosen to don superhero costumes and climb bridges or buildings to let the general public know what is happening to parents and children worldwide.

"The [worst] times are Birthdays, Christmas Day, and now New Years Day," he [name withheld to protect the privacy of the children] went on, "Here in Cape Town we have Cape Minstrels, and I love music and I love the jollity of it all. Sadly, since Christmas 2002, when I first saw the Minstrels, I have not been able to share this Cape Experience with [my children]. When the Minstrels come by, I get drawn in by the beauty and movement of the musicians, but then the reality of not being able to share comes into play. That is when joy and tears get mixed. Anger has a try, but it doesn't last. Sadness beats anger for me then, so I swing along to the tune between happiness, longing, sadness and the people."

I couldn't help notice that this sounded like a gentle man, nothing like the "angry fathers' rights activists" that Trish Wilson, self-proclaimed expert on the fathers' rights movement [she isn't] called us in her written testimony to the California legislators voting on AB1307 earlier this year. After communicating with this father and his mother I'm pretty sure they're normal people, not "freaks, kooks, sociopaths, abusers and criminals" like Cindy Ross, California Director of the National Alliance of Family Court Justice called fathers' rights advocates in Message 17927 on her Yahoo list serve recently.

In fact, even though this father is in mourning over his own children, he wants readers to think of other loving fathers who can't see their children. He told me this about one of them, "When he tried to have the contact with his daughter in Cape Town, the boyfriend told him that he couldn't see his daughter. That must have hurt so. [He] flew back to Joburg. [He] said that if I had told him what I was going to do, he would have flown down and joined me." He told me of another father whose "daughter called him Uncle Daddy." And he added, "So, there are lots like me. I am not alone."

Boy, do I know that. I have heard similiar stories from parents, usually fathers but also mothers, all over the globe. At last count my blog, which has only been online a few months, had been visited thousands of times, by people in more than two dozen countries. These tragedies are happening all over, the suffering must stop. I believe we would have gotten farther in our mission if there weren't people fighting our cause.

Over the last year it has become clear to me that people like Wilson and Ross have an agenda. Unfortunately it isn't the same agenda I have, which is exposing the truth. In this case the truth is buried below fear and possibly the desire for power. Ross openly claims in that post that her job is, "discrediting the FR/shared parenting movement and exposing its' members as the perverse conglomerate of anti-feminist and pseudo-Christian freaks, kooks, sociopaths, abusers and criminals they really are."

Ross, Wilson and others like them have a sly way of trying to make these grieving fathers look bad. They write things publically they know will hurt and agitate them, trying to rouse a negative response, the more hostile the better. Then they use that response against them. I've seen it done over and over. Ross admits it in the same post, to a father who had responded after being attacked on the list serve and in his private email, "I personally enjoyed your post and have added it to my collection. Documentation in your own words makes my job much easier."

I wouldn't care so much that these women have it out for fathers, if they would keep it to themselves. But they don't. They not only "advise" women who join their list serves and read their blogs, they also influence legislators, and editors. When I pulled one of my articles from being published on Mothersmovement Judith Stadtman Tucker, the editor, turned to Wilson for information for her own article. Tucker didn't understand my negativity towards Wilson and chose to claim that the fathers' and family rights movement has "twisted logic and ulterior motives." She couldn't be more wrong.

I have avoided drawing any attention to these people up until now. I haven't included links to their sites, because I find the content vile. It's hurtful. But I have instead tried to reason with them, but to no avail. After my last attempt at finding common ground with Ross she chose to close her list serve to the general public. She claims I, and another female shared parenting proponent are bad for her members.

Ross and Wilson have yet to answer the question, "How can you tell your readers, some of whom are mothers who have lost custody to their abusers, that they should not want equal shared custody?" These women say they care about noncustodial moms, but after seeing their interaction with a noncustodial mother that I know, I have to wonder.

I'm proud to be part of the fathers' and family rights movement. We fight for children, and all fit noncustodial parents. I am one of the 30-40% of the movement who are female. Some of us are grandmothers, second wives or friends, professionals, and many are noncustodial moms.

As time goes on there are more and more women without custody. In some cases, it's what they want or they were truly unfit. In other cases they have faced the same injustices that fathers have faced. There could have been corruption, the other parent might have simply out-financed them, or they could have been a victim of parent-child estrangement facilitated by the other parent.

Wilson and Ross, and others, like the producers of Breaking the Silence, the Children's Stories*, want people to believe that women are the only ones at a disadvantage in family court. Every time we try to further shared parenting laws our opposition claims that fathers are a danger to children. While there are, in fact, women who have been victims, and there are children in the custody of unfit fathers, there are far more fathers who are victims of the system. Only 5-10% of all custody cases involve high conflict, and in only some of those is it the father who is violent. Yet women receive sole custody 84% of the time nationwide, and up to 95% in some states. *(The Children's Stories has now received bad reviews by two ombudsmen, and PBS has decided to make a new documentary allowing for equal representation of both sides of the issue.)

VAWA was reauthorized recently, with some gender neutral language added. Immediately after that, the National Organization for Women (NOW) issued a press release which included the words, "Our work to stop violence against girls and boys, women and men, is not over, but VAWA 2005 at least recognizes the importance of this effort and ensures our national commitment will continue for another five years." If I'm not mistaken, this may be the first time that NOW has recognized that men are victims too. I was pretty surprised. A representative for NOW also testified against AB1307. I hope we'll see a real change of attitude, not just a change of wording to insure the continuation of funding.

I have always hoped that feminists would embrace the concept of equality in child custody cases. Anything else seems hypocritical to me. Others see feminism as part of the problem. I'll end my 2005 posts with this poem, written by the mother of the Cape Town Superdad. It is dedicated to him, and Fathers4Justice.

THE ONLY WAY

How sad, in fact, how tragic it is,
In many lands today,
That numerous fathers have had to protest,
In such a public way.

They've tried to appeal to their feminist wives,
They've tried through the Courts as well,
But they're up against an unnatural trend,
And this is what they tell ....

Their wives have claimed that they know best,
That all their children need,
Is a mother to guide and bring them up,
If they are to succeed.

In order to achieve their goal,
They bring into the world,
Children for them to call their own,
Their motives are then unfurled.

Nearly as bad as the Spider who eats
Her mate when he's played his part,
These mothers who want no Dads for their kids,
Soon help them to depart.

To draw attention to their cause,
The fathers, thus deprived
Of normal access to their sons
And daughters have arrived ...

At ways they feel will show the world,
How sad and hurt they are,
They climb on freeway bridges with
Large banners read from far.

Now share wth me this tale I'll tell,
Of one such loving Dad,
Two Christmas days spent all alone,
He was so very sad.

He tried to 'phone his children but
His wife refused the call,
So great his heartache that he wept,
He felt so very small.

Throughout this year, his wife has said ...
"I'll block you all the way,
These kids are mine and mine alone,
And that's the way they'll stay."

Her mother - also a feminist
Has told him - "They're not yours ...
They're mine", for as each one was born,
Her crystals kept the scores.

Right on the Internet this Dad
Discovered how his son,
Complete with Mom's encouragement
That she describes as fun ...

Is now in the grips of a magic cult,
Of witches and wizards who post,
To all their younger fans such things
As devilish pictures most.

Then, on this Christmas Day just past,
Again his calls were blocked,
He longed to hear such loving words,
As in his heart are locked.

So, all alone, he made his plan,
The only way he knew,
To send his love and greetings to
His sons and daughter too.

He welded up a ladder strong,
And climbed a Provincial wall,
Three storeys up, on the flag ledge he stood,
With banner clear and tall.

"Happy Christmas my Children", it said,
From Daddy - in Cape Town" - and then,
The crowds all waved - a reporter was there,
No doubt really anxious to pen ...

The story that this Dad could tell,
But that was not his aim,
He just wanted to talk to his kids,
Not look for any fame.

Soon came a fire-rescue truck,
And seven squad cars too,
The streets were blocked - no cars could pass,
The gathering crowds just grew.

He stood his ground with his banner in red,
They knew he was there in peace,
A huge fireman's crane brought someone up,
They shook hands - the cheers did not cease.

They shared introductions and questions and trust,
Being listened to was great,
But this, of course, was Christmas Day
And this top official was late !

On friendly terms, our father went down,
In a big Fire Rescue arm,
The type they use when buildings burn,
Or pets are in danger of harm.

These kindly people offered him help,
These Dads with children their own,
They said all his quests would get legal help,
They'd take his file on loan.

This Dad has an order for his wife's arrest,
If she continues to block,
His fatherly right to see his kids,
This warrant he keeps under lock.

He seeks no revenge for what she has done,
But daily his longing grows,
To see his three children who love him in turn,
And this their mother knows.

By email he sent me this moving account,
With photographs too - very clear.
He did this alone on Christmas Day,
Because of his children so dear.

But he did it also for Dads everywhere,
Whose children they long to see,
And even among the Police who were there,
Were some in the same boat as he.

If any who read this are fooled as they claim,
That feminists have such right,
I pray they will pause and consider what Dads
Are suffering day and night.

But if, in their quest, they have hardened their hearts,
Of this they can be sure,
The day will come when they'll answer to God,
His justice will be pure.

For He it was, as part of His plan,
All mothers and fathers made,
As husband and wife to care for their young,
Through parents .... God's plans are laid !

Dedicated to Fathers4Justice and to one Father in particular about whom this poem has been written. 28th December 2005 (c) N..[name withheld to protect the privacy of the children]

For more information please visit Fathers4Justice .

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God (whatever God you honor) bless you and I wish for you all a happier new year.
Teri

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